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Epic Fail for Security

Dream | February 20, 2010

So I go visit my friend Joe who is a security guard at a gas station with a mini-mart.

He comes running out from the mini-mart when I arrive. "Hey man, there's two guys with guns in there! I think they're robbing the place!"

"Call the cops!" I say.

"Yeah I went in there and they had guns and wearing ski masks and were rooting around and I asked them 'hey what are you guys doing?'"

"Just call the cops! Dial 911!" Already I have my phone out and am starting to dial, but Joe starts to bring his phone out so I defer to him since he is the authority in this situtation, and a first-hand witness.

When he finally dials and the call is connected I can hear the operator's voice, "What is your emergency?"

And Joe launches into this speech about how there's a time in a man's life when he has to be a hero...

"Tell them there's a robbery in progress!" It was so frustrating I'm almost yelling at him.

"Oh right, right. Yeah there's a robbery in progress. I went in there and there's a couple of guys with guns and ski masks and I asked them what they were doing—"

"Just tell them the address so they can come down!" Now I'm yelling and wanting to strangle him. I want to yell into the phone there's a robbery in progress at such n' such address, two guys with guns, get your asses down here. Easy call.

Joe finally gives them the address, yadda yadda, and finishes the call, and hangs up.

At that point the two robbers emerge from the mini-mart. One guy has a pistol he's holding with both hands and pointing down, taut and ready to fire. The other guys has his shotgun straight out and swinging around in front of him, covering their getaway. Their car is parked way over on one side near a chain-link fence, about 40 meters from the mini-mart entrance.

We're in between the two gas pump islands and partially obscured, but Windsong my German Shepherd dog is milling about in the open, about 5 meters from the two robbers when they come out, and watching them since they're acting strange. She's not sure what's going on so she's not barking or growling.

The guy with the shotgun points his gun and fires right at her! She didn't seem to get hurt but she was scared by the sound of the blast. I'm suddenly alarmed at this and call to her to come quick! The gunman fires at me this time, but surprisingly I wasn't hit. Perhaps the pellets scattered in the 8 or 9 meters distance. I am also relieved the gas pump I'm standing next to didn't explode. I wonder briefly if he's using blanks.

So my dog and I start heading away from the gunmen and they turn their backs and continue walking towards their car. I kneel and feel around Windsong's body looking for wounds or bloody fur, but she seems fine.

Then Joe chuckles and says to me, "Hey man, check this out!" And he pulls out his gun and starts sneaking up behind the guy with the pistol. Now he's like two meters behind the guy, with his gun straight out and pointing at the robber's back and I'm thinking 'just pull the tigger just pull the trigger!' But Joe turns his head around and says to me in a conspiratorial whisper that is quite audible way over here: "Watch this!"

The robber suddenly does an about-face and fires his gun right into Joe's chest. The force of point-blank range hurls him to the ground and he's rolling around moaning and groaning. He must have a bullet-proof vest because he isn't dead, but certainly in pain.

I'm kinda freaking out now. This has all gone totally wrong. With their backs turned, Joe could have nailed both of them and defused the situation like a good security guard. But I begin to realize my buddy Joe isn't too bright, is not very good at this job, and has certainly never had this experience before.

The robbers are pissed off and start stalking around, firing in all directions. Some people that have drifted in out of curiosity are scattered, and I flee to the far side of the lot. I think they want to make a big noise so they can have a clean getaway and not have some cowboy fire at their tires or something.

After a bit of shooting up the place they screech off in their car. Spectators slowly drift back into the scene. Police sirens whine in the distance. Joe sits up against one of the pumps, holding his chest.

Then I'm talking with Jeff Goldblum and he tells me he saw the whole thing. "That was an epic fail for security."

Tags   Crime   Violence   Animals   Celebrities   Authority

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