Peeing in Public
Dream | November 4, 2007
I just woke up from a dream. It rained hard last night, all night, soaking the ground thoroughly. Jennifer stayed over until after midnight, then I drove her home in the downpour. Perhaps the torrential flooding brought on an especially strong case of needing to pee while sleeping...
...after a surreal dream of walking through broad plazas and along intricate stone avenues through a Mayan jungle landscape of emerald-cut mountaintops or overgrown, geometric temples. A post office with dense surrounding trees sat in the middle of an ancient plaza. Soon the sky covered over and I found myself in a crowded mall. Fascinating people swarmed all around me. Quite suddenly the urge to urinate was extremely strong. So I turned towards the plants and outer wall and whipped it out. Only for a second I pissed before I realized I could get arrested, so I zipped up and tried to melt into the teeming masses. Near the exit two cops rushed towards me, one tackling me to the ground while the other covered me with his pistol. Damn I was getting arrested for peeing in public!
Handcuffed and clad in some strange iron shoes with a chain between them, they escorted me to a quiet corner of the mall and we were seated at a round table with a man in a brown suit and tie who looked more like a police detective.
He asked me what I was thinking but I was quiet for awhile. I don't remember feeling the need to pee at that point.
Then I said, "Did anybody witness me peeing?"
"Several people reported it."
"Did they see what I was peeing? Maybe I was peeing blood? Maybe I have a serious internal hemhorrhage and I could die if I didn't pee?" I felt like a lawyer defending a client, cooking up some baloney argument to instill doubt.
"Why didn't you use a restroom?"
"I couldn't find one anywhere." Actually I hadn't even looked. "No restaurants either."
At that point they decided to let me go. A look went around the table and I knew. The detective tossed me a set of iron keys to the cuffs and shoes. Taking off the heavy metal shoes was rather complicated, with overlapping clasps and such. While I unshackled myself, the other cops disappeared. Handing the key back I told the detective that normally I would never think to pee in a crowded mall. He asked me why I did it. I looked at him and said...
"This is a dream. You're in my dream. Soon I'll wake up and go back to the real world."
He smiled at that and we stood up together. He looked very much like Matthew McConaughey. From nowhere he produced a book like a boat catalog. He leafed to a page with a nice fishing boat and told me how he used to dive off the back of a boat like that one when he was a kid. I smiled and told him I used to do the same. My dad is a fisherman and I grew up on boats. He turned to a page with a very smooth-cornered boat with a purple jaguar-patterned paint job. I made an appreciative sound. I really just wanted to go. Since our conversation had petered out, I turned and walked away.
Then I woke up. I had to pee real bad. I lay there for a minute thinking if peeing was a phone number, mine had an extra three digits at the end. For a few minutes I looked at that phone number in my head and thought it looked like an international number. If you have to pee that badly, don't do it in a crowded mall.